Looking at the absurdity of life’s glass ceilings and planning for their demise.

Sophia Loren was recently asked what she attributed her youthful-looking sexiness to - without batting an eyelid, she said, “Good posture, and I keep from making old people’s noises.”

Well said! What more can I add?

Woman at the Well

My friend, Gail, shared this on Facebook with her flock of followers, and I thought it so moving that I wanted to post on my blog as well. (Thanks, Gail Bunning!)

What moved me the most about this ‘Woman at the Well’ story was the intensity in which she wanted to be known. How often has someone approached me to ‘be known, and I respond with just a smile, a ‘howdy’, and a movement away? How often have I been the one walked away from? But God doesn’t do that. That’s what Jesus was all about - God coming toward us, to know us, to be with us. No matter what or who we are or were or would become. Pretty damn cool!

Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is You-er than You! ~ Dr. Suess

Recently I was told that I have the same emotional structure as someone else - we’ll call him Joe (if you’re named Joe, this is not about you!). Joe is a good guy, and I could be compared with someone far less moral and sane, not possessing the strength of character that Joe has. But Joe is a highly emotional kinda guy - he makes decisions rashly sometimes, and holds onto emotions a very, very long time. 

So to be told that I had the same emotional makeup as him really surprised me. Really. But it was said by a highly trusted friend, so I took it to heart and thought long about it - on and off for quite awhile. (I have never feared criticism, just that I will not internalize what trueness there is in the barbs!)

Here’s what I figured out - she was wrong, but she was also so painfully right. And that made me wince!! Cause her rightness brought me humbly to my knees, for sure!!

For the past few weeks, I have failed miserably. In being Diane. In fact, I don’t know who the heck I’ve been. I can blame it on the family stressors, or the job, or the sale of our house, or missing my kids, or having a brief grief attack, or a combination of them all…but when you forget who you are, you start flying blindly without thinking, just emotionalizing your life away. You fail. You fail yourself, your family, your friends. You hurt others because you hurt inside, and if you aren’t on your knees praying it up, you’ll continue down that road! 

Do not misinterpret! I am not talking about clinical depression, nor am I talking about instant answers to prayer. I am talking about being aware of you, your emotional state, and the things that change it and affect it and can take you down some spiraling staircases that you can avoid, just by checking on the State of You every now and again!! 

There will be times when it just sucks to be you. I get that. I’m there right now. But feeling that way from time to time, and staying there are two very different states to be in! You stay there, you negate who God made you to be. You stay there, you will never have the joy of knowing what God created you to be part of. You will forget how to love life. You will forget how to love you! Self-awareness is not self-centered - it’s self-preservation!

I’m glad I have a friend who is willing to take the chance and give me a wake-up slap upside the head - a hard one! Very few people in my life have the courage to confront me like that, and I cherish that about her!

Still don’t agree with her that I am anything like Joe, but sure glad she helped me come to my senses to realize that I wasn’t being much of Diane either!!

Over the past couple of months, I have helped several women write resumes. All have been out of ‘mainstream’ employment for at least a decade. All need to return to the workplace fulltime, either because of economic conditions or change in marital status (or the potential of either or both). I would add this experience to be one of the top ten for the year - so far - for two reasons. First, I was using some untapped abilities I have to help other people; and, second, I got to know these women at a different level than I would have any other way - always a good thing!

What I found most fascinating was that most of them apologized for not having ‘enough real work’ to include; one of them regretted her life choices; another was sure no one would want to hire someone who ‘just stayed at home for nine years’. With all of their “encouragement,” I thought I would really have a challenge pulling something together for them. But, without exception, none of these women were slackards, all had done some pretty incredible, unpaid stuff during their ‘non-work’ years, and all ended up with an impressive resume that they were proud to be able to send out to potential employers. 

In Life Equity U.S. Congressman Marsha Blackburn wrote that, based on her personal experience, she is sure that women underestimate the value they bring to the table - any table - particularly those women who have chosen to stay at home to raise their children, or have focused a large amount of time on volunteerism.  She writes, “The simple but powerful truth is that your accumulated skills go with you. The ordinary, everyday tasks you have been performing are actually the foundation for getting you where you want to go. In even the most unglamorous roles, you have built real leadership ability that has prepared you for bigger things.” 

Organizing a church or community event takes identical project management skills, as running a large sales meeting. Speaking for your local P.T.A. takes the same stage-presence and poise, as speaking in front of a management team. The skills are the same. The venue is different. 

Moe Grzelakowski in Mother Leads Best notes the impact that children have on women’s leadership abilities at work. Children often bring out the best in women, even though many may not appreciate it until well after the kids are grown. The experience itself - or just an understanding of the experience - builds talents and abilities that should never be underappreciated. Selfless, empathetic, clear communicator, humble, grounded. All learned and honed while holding the hands of our children. 

What I, and the women I worked with, learned from the experience is that ‘wherever you go, there you are.’ All of you. What you did today, yesterday and ten years ago is all part of who you are and what you have to offer today - no matter if you were paid for it, or not!! We are truly a product - a total package - of the incredible life of influence that we lead. At home. At the job. At church and charity events. At the grocery store. On the sidelines of the soccer and little league fields. 

No matter where we, as women go, there we are. And from what I can see, that’s a pretty great place to be!

(also posted at get2clear.com)

When my dad was a kid, he told me of the circus that would come to his little town twice a year - in the spring and in the fall. There were no amusement parks then. No Disney World. No Six Flags. No Hershey Park. The circus was it for them. It had two delights besides cotton candy: the penny arcades - endless rows of booths that tempted you to throw a penny, a ball, a dart at something - a target, a stack of cans, a floating duckie; and, the sideshows. 

The sideshows were the stages where the unusual were displayed - glimpses of something freaky - well, someone freaky, to be more exact. People who, for whatever twist of fate, had a physical oddity. One leg a foot longer than the other. A woman whose beard hung to her knees. A man with three legs. Very short overweight people. The strongest man in the world. Freaks, as they were known then. (We’ll ignore the whole morality of the sideshows, for now!)

When people left the sideshows they felt better about themselves. Their life could be much worse, after all, at least they weren’t a ‘freak.’  The ‘freaks’ were abnormal. The spectators - the ones who paid a nickle to get in and gawk - were considered normal. (Again, we’ll ignore the whole morality of the sideshows, for now!)

Somewhere along the way between then and now, something got flipped over on its head. Somewhere along the way, the ‘model’ was born. Defined as “an example for imitation or emulation,” the model - now the supermodel - soon became our collective wannabe - the one to envy, the one men desired, and women wanted to become. Our height, our weight, our bra size, our ratio of hip to waist to bust measurements, the two diamonds our legs made when we stood up straight (only women will get that!). 

There were no models seventy years ago. No magazine covers staring at you with flawless smiles, and perfect eyes. No TV ads, no makeover shows, no media explosion of ’self-help’ aids so you can look and feel and smell and walk and talk like a ‘model.’ Somewhere along the way, I became the ‘freak.’ Somewhere along the way liposuction, lifts, tucks and peels became the ticket outta the sideshow. Somewhere along the way, the model became normal, the non-model became the sideshow. ‘Oh, you don’t have long legs do you? Too bad.’ ‘Yeah, I noticed you don’t have long eyelashes. Perhaps more mascara would help.’ ‘Whoa, you don’t have much of a butt, perhaps a bit of a ‘lift’ would help out.’

And on and on it goes. There is no escape. Not really. When you are measured against an appearance that was never God’s intention for you to have, you’ve got no chance. But is this really what life is supposed to be about? 

Psalm 139 makes it pretty clear that God knew us - our body, our mind, our soul, our hair color, our skin texture, our toes and our breasts, all of it - before we were even born. God thinks we are drop-dead gorgeous. Every one of us. The models of today. The ‘freaks’ of years gone by. Every one. It’s people who screwed this all up. It’s us letting people set the standards rather than God. Seventy years ago - freaks!!! - and now - models!!! But God thinks each individual is perfection!

I, for one, am fighting back. I don’t measure up to any of the yardsticks for beauty as the world has them created. But I know I am beautiful to God, and I am working really hard on being able to look in the mirror every day and say with conviction, “Mmm, girl, you are looking mighty fine today!!” Not there yet. Still feeling a bit freaky on more days than not. But working on it. 

Join me in the quest for freedom from the sideshow!!!

I have been reading and re-reading the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) once a week for a year. One thing has been jumping out at me lately during the last few readings.

Loving your enemies (5.38-48). 

How exactly do you love your enemies in the face of injustice? What does that look like when Afghan warlords stone women to death for exposing their ankles, or when a child of 5 is kidnapped and sold into the sex trade, or when a Muslim extremist beheads an American citizen or crashes jetliners into buildings. Not sure I get how to do that ‘loving your enemies’ thing. Just doesn’t work for me. 

The Lutheran theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer had trouble with this very issue. In the face of the cruelty of the Hitler regime before and during World War II, Bonhoeffer chose to be involved in a conspiracy to assassinate Hitler. He knew that the choice was between risking his life to continue to stand up to the evil, as he had been doing, or to risk his own soul by being part of a plot to assasinate a human being - even one as evil as Adolf Hitler.  Bonhoeffer chose the latter. He was executed by the Nazis as a result.  

In the context of the verses in Matthew, is someone considered an enemy because of what he does to YOU personally, or is my enemy someone who does something that flies in the face of what God represents as true and right, even if you don’t know either party involved? Is an enemy of the ’state’ (eg, hatred for the American infidels) different than my enemy (eg, the woman at work who, at every chance, would find a way to undermine me)? Do I live and act and react in a personal vacuum, or am I a citizen of the world? The Nazis weren’t ‘coming after’ Bonhoeffer. But they were clearly wrong!

I actually get the whole ‘turn the other cheek’, ‘love your enemy’ stuff when it’s on a personal level. I can look my enemy in the eye, face to face. I know how to respond - and am learning how to move the ‘knowing’ to appropriate ‘acting.’ I am just not sure how to do this global lovefest when the hurts are being focused on our ideals, our way of life, our country, and not so much at me as an individual. Not sure where the lines of demarcation are drawn.

I’ll see where next week’s reading takes me - perhaps to a clearer insight on this one!!!

Novelist Wally Lamb started a class at the York Correctional Institute for Women in Connecticut. The class was to teach these women - mostly incarcerated for violent crime - how to write and to share their own autobiography. (A side note: Lamb edited the essays of these women and put them into two books - I’ll Fly Away and Couldn’t Keep It to Myself.  Looking forward to reading them!)

He said of these women, ‘If the writer reflects honestly and un-self-pityingly on the damage she has both endured and caused - and if she takes the critical step of sharing her words with the group and receiving feedback - she will begin to defy the gravity of her painful past.’

Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird in which she writes about how she teaches beginners to write fiction, talks of being authentic and truthful as a writer. She uses the autobiography as a lesson in getting to that place - looking at a window of time in your past and uncovering the real story in that back-view of your life.  

I’m exploring this idea - if writing can release the demons that haunt me and drag me down, maybe unearthing some I didn’t even know I had. Exposing them to light, defying them the power of gravity to pull me down.

Interesting idea! I’ll let you know how it goes.

Historically, in my career, I have always accepted positions that, frankly, I knew I could do. There were some mini-stretches of learning to go through. But, basicaly, I knew it would be OK. In each position, I grew a little professionally and personally as a result. 

Three years ago, a reorganization at my company caused a move to a position in marketing. It was not my choice. I would never have picked this position for myself for a whole list of reasons.

In that uncomfortable, unfamiliar place, this is what I learned about myself…

• First, I had a lot to learn. Oh my, did I! No more mini-stretches. I had to max out on the learning curve!! 
• Second, I had a lot to offer. This realization took a bit longer as I had to do a major shift in focus from ‘my lack’ to what I actually had going for me.  
• And third, I learned that I am a pretty secure person. My self-image took a bit of a beating. I ate some humble pie for quite a while (still do!). But I learned that the job, no matter how humbling professionally, did not define me as a person.

I think God’s picture of humility is so simple - knowing who God is and that you ain’t him!  G.K. Chesterton, an English writer wrote, “It is always the secure who are humble.” I am quite secure knowing who is ultimately in charge. And it’s not me! 

As I have watched people struggle through several more reorganizations since then, it’s easy to pick out the secure from the insecure. Insecurity breeds fear and distraction; success breeds prideful arrogance. Thinking that everything - whether you have a job you want or not - rests on you, discounting God’s role in all of it. And when things seem to not be working out, that God remains in control. No matter what your emotions or colleagues or stock market is saying!!

Some people hang on through this kind of stuff. Some grab their bat and ball, and head home - to another company, to another position, to another try at controlling everything.

I’m glad I hung on so I could learn these lessons.

Heroes walk alone; while superstars derive their status from approval. - Henry Kissinger

We need more heroes. Those people who, through their life’s actions demonstrate character and guts and conviction. They stand for something. They have a mission that seems to transcend their individual life. We have so few.

They are overshadowed by today’s superstars, chosen for their talent, their lifestyle, their agent. They won the popularity contest. They have garnered the most envy and ‘wannabe like’ descriptors. The entire papparazi industry was created just for them!

Heroes to me…the pilot who landed the plane safely in the Hudson River last year; the NYC firemen during the 9/11 tragedy; the mom who sits by her sick child all night; the dad who keeps his family together after mom walks out on them; the single mom doing it all on her own; the adult daughter who takes care of her mom as she dies; the young men and women who volunteer to defend and protect our country in any branch of the Armed Forces…they bring tears to my eyes. 

Popularity ebbs and flows, and it’s incredibly fickle (remember high school?!). I don’t shed tears for superstars, although I am often sad for them. Maybe because I really want them to be heroes, and they rarely are. 

I wonder, if given the chance, if I would be a hero or a superstar. Or maybe I would be an heroic superstar  - or would that be a ’super-hero’? Hmmm…now, that’s a thought!

I am most definitely guilty of judging people by what they look like - having a list of what people should be doing, saying, acting - just from the way they look. That’s why this video was so wonderfully humbling and thought-provoking for so many. 

I don’t know if she will win the talent contest she is enrolled in, but she certainly deserves the attention she is getting - if nothing more than to teach us a little more about the lovely differences that God has inbred into the human race. 

May we just learn to think that first, rather than later…

Meet Susan Boyle - an authentic inspiration.